My maternal grandfather passed away today. I had just gotten back to Salt Lake after a visit home for spring break, and I got to see him last Wednesday. Everything happened so fast and yet it feels like the past few days have been filled with waiting. I am starting to read the coursework for my doula training that begins in a few weeks, and I am struck by how similar birth and death can be. The way your body sometimes takes over and you know you’re ready. We don’t trust our bodies enough. I am comforted to know that when my grandfather died, he was surrounded by his family and his minister. They prayed together in his hospital room before the respirator was disconnected and this knowledge helps. He left the world on a prayer.
As I ponder reverse flights, black pants and last-minute pet sitters, I nap intermittantly and dream of babies, helping shift a birthing woman into a more comfortable position, the beep of monitors, the smell of a hospital and the miracle of new life. I am trying to stay positive and strong. I am thankful for prayer and friendship.
Many women become doulas after they give birth and wish they’d had one, or realize how wonderful it is to have one. As I am not a mother, I think of being a doula as another way of mothering. It’s a way to make use of my inherent maternal drive, my longing to nurture others, and a way to connect myself to babies and motherhood in this time before I am in a place in my life where having a child is wise. I am visiting my own parents for a week right now, and looking through baby books; how tiny and delicate I once was, we all once were. I didn’t bring any of my pregnancy books with me, because I wanted to spend time with my family, and I knew I’d be tempted to bury myself in them (plus, I didn’t want to check a bag), but I find myself really longing to page through the huge stack. I am anxious for the process to begin. I want to learn so much. I want to start attending births and begin the certification process.
I have been thinking a lot about why I want to be a doula. It’s the kind of decision that just feels right. There have only been a few of those in my life, but they have all proved true, so I trust this in the way you just do when you know it’s what’s meant to be, but also the kind of thing I have a hard time explaining to others. I do see doula-ing as a form of activism. I believe strongly in reproductive justice, in making sure every woman has control over her own body, whether that is her birthing experience or the kind of medical care she receives or whatever else it might entail. And I like that being a doula is a way to effect direct change for an individual. Think globally, act locally and all of that. I like that it allows me to understand so much more about how women’s bodies work. I love the idea of being present when a family is born, though I believe that a family can be just a couple, too. I don’t think children are what create a family; love is. Still, the moment a child enters the mix, so much changes.
I am almost thirty (which, I know, to some is not old, but it feels significant to me nonetheless) and I have been in school for a long time, consecutively. Some of my fondest memories are of teaching high school, though the time I spent doing that was also the most difficult time in my life. Still, I know that working with those kids (some of whom I am lucky enough to still be in contact with) did make a difference. Some people believe that the good work we do only counts if it is purely altruistic, with zero benefit to yourself, and I disagree. My motivation for being a doula is, in part, selfish. Helping people makes me happy. But selfish has such negative connotations. Anyway, the relatively speedy training process for becoming a doula and the total separation from my “day job” (being a college teacher and a PhD student in English) pleases me. The very physical nature of this work also makes me happy. I wouldn’t want to do just anything that was different from teaching (and, actually, I think there are a lot of benefits to my pedagogical background in terms of my work as a doula, but that’s another post), but allowing myself to make something out of my deep, abiding interest in pregnancy, birth and babies that doesn’t involve writing a book or only researching but actually being physically present to help others, actually getting out there and doing something—well, it’s a nice change from dusty books and living in my head.
I love teaching and I love being a student, but I need to balance it with something else, something more tangibly meaningful. More…dare I say primal than reading?
I have been rather single-minded in my pursuit of higher education and becoming a college professor. It was the only thing I ever thought I wanted to do, and I doggedly pursued it. So I’m a little hesitant to share my new aspiration. But I comfort myself with the knowledge that the things I am learning in doula training are really things that everyone should know, not only facts about women’s bodies and birth, but coping techniques and strategies to comfort others. Even if I never did anything professionally as a doula, this knowledge can benefit my friends and family. I know I will be a professional doula. I already have my first client lined up, though her due date is in late October, so I am hoping to attend many births before then. But I already know I will be helping someone. I love that the International Center for Traditional Childbearing’s motto is “Healthy Babies are Everybody’s Business.” I really connect with that sentiment, because the more I learn about birth, the more I think, “How is it that everyone is not dong this?” It seems like there’s almost nothing more important.
I have always loved this topic, and I feel like being a doula gives me legitimacy–being a single woman who is not a mother, I have frequently gotten questions about my interest in babies, motherhood, birth, and taking this step to be trained and work as a doula makes me feel like I have a good response to those questions now. I’m not just a casual bystander; I’m in this thing. I care so much about this that I’m taking steps to do something about it. That feels great. And I hope that my enthusiasm will be imparted to my clients; I hope the positive energy will help them.
Welcome to Blooming Within Birth Services, offering the doula services of Valerie Wetlaufer, educated through DONA and the Aviva Institute.
On this site, you can find out more about what a doula does, how to hire me, and read my blog posts about the experience of being a doula, from training, certification and beyond.
I believe that everyone deserves to experience birth as an empowering, affirming and joyous experience, whether you choose a homebirth or prefer the hospital. I would love to be at your side, supporting, relaxing, encouraging and helping you have the best birth experience.
The name “Blooming Within” comes from one of my favorite poems by Audre Lorde:
Now That I Am Forever with Child
How the days went
While you were blooming within me
I remember each upon each —
The swelling changed planes of my body —
And how you first fluttered, then jumped
And I thought it was my heart.
How the days wound down
And the turning of winter
I recall, with you growing heavy
Against the wind. I thought
Now her hands
Are formed, and her hair
Has started to curl
Now her teeth are done
Now she sneezes.
Then the seed opened.
I bore you one morning just before spring —
My head rang like a fiery piston
My legs were towers between which
A new world was passing.
From then
I can only distinguish
One thread within running hours
You. . . flowing through selves
Toward you.
I’m enrolled in an online doula training course that I hope to augment with childbirth classes. Being a full-time student in poetry means I don’t have time to devote myself 100% to doula training, but I know that research and study is the best way for me to learn, which is why I felt an online course would be best for me at this time, especially since I can do it on my own schedule and all the in-person classes for the next six months are at times when I’m too busy.
Now that I’ve made this decision, it seems so natural that I’m going to be a doula. I love babies and mamas and parents and pregnancy. I can’t get enough of mommy blogs and I think about these issues daily. It will be nice to finally do something with that knowledge!
At this point, I am hoping to become certified, even though I know it’s not required. I’m hoping that I can spend the summer working on attending births and getting the requirements down before the semester starts up again, but luckily school is somewhat flexible. Since most women labor for an average of 16 hours, it’s unlikely that attending a 1.5 hour class is going to keep me from being by a woman’s side while she labors. I haven’t worked all the logistics out yet, but I know I am so excited!
You Begin
By Margaret Atwood
You begin this way:
this is your hand,
this is your eye,
that is a fish, blue and flat
on the paper, almost
the shape of an eye.
This is your mouth, this is an O
or a moon, whichever
you like. This is yellow.
Outside the window
is the rain, green
because it is summer, and beyond that
the trees and then the world,
which is round and has only
the colors of these nine crayons.
This is the world, which is fuller
and more difficult to learn than I have said.
You are right to smudge it that way
with the red and then
the orange: the world burns.
Once you have learned these words
you will learn that there are more
words than you can ever learn.
The word hand floats above your hand
like a small cloud over a lake.
The word hand anchors
your hand to this table,
your hand is a warm stone
I hold between two words.
This is your hand, these are my hands, this is the world,
which is round but not flat and has more colors
than we can see.
It begins, it has an end,
this is what you will
come back to, this is your hand.
It started because I want to be a mother. I’m not at a point in my life where I feel like I can or should have a child yet, but I’m fascinated with conception, pregnancy, birth, and I want that to be a part of my life. I want to help women and children and their partners understand that birth doesn’t have to be a scary thing. I have not given birth. I have no children. I have, as yet, never attended a birth. Hopefully that will all change soon. Information is power and there is a wealth of misinformation about birth out there.
I don’t think we should ever judge a woman for what she chooses to do with her birth, but it should really be her choice, not what a clinician is pressuring her to decide. I believe in supporting women in the choices they make, helping them to have the birth experience they and their partner want.
I remember when I first heard the word “doula.” I was in college and a peer was going off on a work study (my college had a mandatory six-week work term in January and February) to become a doula. It blew my mind that she could do that, that she wanted to do that. I wanted to do that. But I was still scared.
Now I find myself spending more time talking about birth with my friends in bars than I do talking about anything else. I’m a poet by trade and a PhD student, but birth is my secret passion.
When I started learning about childbirth, even though I was 24 and not at all pregnant or planning to conceive, I felt empowered. Just knowing and understanding what a woman’s body is capable of helped me start to view my own body differently. Women can give birth naturally! Women can give birth at home! Thin women, fat women, every kind of woman can have a baby, can take control of her fertility and choose to have a baby or not to have a baby. Realizing we have power over our bodies is a revelation. I want to help other women experience this.
Growing up, all I knew about pregnancy and birth were horror stories from my mom about her emergency c-section with me. I was terrified and sure I would never want to put myself through the horrors of labor and delivery, afraid I wouldn’t be able to. I just didn’t think I could. But I’ve always loved babies. They called me the “little mother” when my brother was born 21 months after me. At my mother’s La Leche League meetings, I would pretend to nurse my baby doll while my brother nursed from my mom. Nurturing has always been an important part of my life.
I’m not a mom yet, but I met a woman in 2007 who was a doula and she radically altered everything I thought I knew about birth and pregnancy. Before I knew it, I was devouring books on natural childbirth and found myself so fascinated. Eventually I realized that helping pregnant moms was something I wanted to do, too.
I am going to take a doula training class this summer and start on the official journey toward helping moms and families. I’m so excited!
